You Deserve Guilt-Free Self Care, with Guest Tami Hackbarth

September 21, 2022
Season 2
Episode 89
 Advocacy & Activism, Career Pivots, Featured, Podcast, Self Love 01:05:55

September 22, 2022 / Mom &… Podcast Episode 89  / Guest: Tami Hackbarth

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Show Summary:

Do you feel like you’re out of bandwidth? Like you want to make change in your life, in the world around you, but how and when and with what energy?

Tami Hackbarth understands, and she wants you to feel differently. This week we talked about the reasons we lose our mojo, and what we can do about it. Tami shared how she approaches self care like a science. Take the time to study yourself and understand what gives you energy… and what makes you feel awful. We dive into perfectionism, self talk, sleep, and more.

More About Tami Hackbarth:

Tami works with professional women who want to get their time and energy back so they can go after their big life goals.

Tami began her career working in politics after graduating from UC Davis. In her mid 30s, she began her second career as an elementary school teacher. It was in her work as a teacher, she found herself physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. These were the beginning signs of burnout.

In response, Tami began practicing 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care. It completely changed her life! Now dedicates her career to helping women change their lives through 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care.

She is a certified Life+Work Coach through UC Davis Extension and coaches professional women privately all over the country.

Topics From This Episode

  • Patriarchal systems
  • Negative Self Talk
  • Meditation
  • Sleep
  • Having hard conversations (sometimes with yourself)
  • Perfectionism
  • ACE Scores (ACE = Adverse Childhood Experiences)
  • When to say no (and also, yes)
  • Relationship between food and self care
  • Cindy Whitesides – former guest on a Tipsy Ellipses episode

Connect with Tami:

Look, Listen, Learn

Missy

  • State of Terror by Louise Penny and Hillary Clinton
  • Sklars and Stripes by the Sklar Brothers (audio book)
  • Learning (again) about plotting and drafting a book and having so much fun

Tami

Susanne

Watch This Episode On Our YouTube Channel

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Musical Notes

Our delightfully happy intro and outro theme music, “We Will Get Through This” is performed by Young Presidents, and used under license from Shutterstock.

Transcript is auto-generated by a robot. Apologies in advance for misspellings or errors. 

[00:00:00] Susanne: Welcome to the mom and dot.dot podcast. I’m Susanne Kerns, mom and dot.dot writer, LGBTQ and sex ed advocate, and today a Swedish Roth stall bar installer. That is so hard to say

[00:00:39] Missy: So hard

[00:00:40] Susanne: Yes. And, uh, I will post pictures later. There is gonna be definitely a level and a stud finder involved and lots and lots of cursing and probably at least 48 hours of my weekend.

So tuned.

[00:00:54] Missy: you might be surprised and it might go so smoothly. And I’m Missy Stevens, mom and dot.dot writer, foster child advocate. And this week learning all about 2 million Texans. Thanks to my friend, Suzanne, and how I can get involved in encouraging people to vote kind of exciting. And this week, we are super excited to be talking with Tammy Hackbarth. Tammy works with professional women who want to get their time and energy back so they can go after big life goals.

Tammy began her career working in politics. After graduating from UC Davis in her mid thirties, she began her second career as an elementary school teacher. It was in her work as a teacher that she found herself physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I can only imagine

[00:01:39] Susanne: Yes.

[00:01:39] Missy: these were the beginning signs of burnout in response, Tammy began practicing 100%.

Guilt-free self-care it completely changed her life. She now dedicates her career to helping women change their lives through 100% guilt free self care. She’s a certified life work coach through UC Davis extension and coaches, professional women privately all over the country. Welcome.

[00:02:02] Susanne: she also has the best bangs in the history of bangs. Yes

[00:02:07] Missy: Yes. Enviable bangs that she is getting recut this week.

[00:02:12] Tami: That’s right. I’m I’m currently. Well, I got a lot of bang right now. gonna, gonna rework the bang sit, uh, soon we’re these are summer bangs, and then we’re going for fall bangs, which are bangs that can actually touch your forehead.

[00:02:26] Susanne: Uh, well,

[00:02:28] Missy: right. Yeah. Now actually is not a great time to have hair over your forehead.

[00:02:32] Susanne: Oh, that’s true. But no, as we said before, we got on I, if she had her full bang going, I don’t even know if I could concentrate. I’d have to turn off the video. cause I’m in such bang envy

that it’s just, it’s just not even normal, but yes. and the reason I know up and close and personal, uh, how adorable your bangs ares?

Cuz we met at like so many of our guests at mom, 2.0. And in fact we joked last week that my dog got into my mom two pile and ate a bunch of stuff. And one of them was your business card. I’m very sorry. and

[00:03:04] Missy: still.

[00:03:05] Susanne: I know, well I kind of have it. but yeah, so we listed a little bit about you in your bio, but for people who haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you, can you give our listeners a little Tammy 1 0 1 about where your career started, how it’s progressed and anything that impacted your choices along the way.

[00:03:24] Tami: Yeah, absolutely. So I’m Tammy Hackbarth and currently I am a life and work coach. I host a podcast. I am a in progress author. Is that how you say when you’re writing a book, I’m like, you can’t quite claim it till it’s finished, but I’m, it’s on its way. I’m a keynote speaker. I studied political science in college and I’m one of those weirdos that actually took my degree and went out and worked in the field.

And I was in politics for 10 years. My first paid job, was in the speaker’s office, in the California assembly. I had a lot of jobs y’all but my last job in politics, I was a lobbyist where I worked on issues like physician Aiden, dying. And methadone replacement and adoption. And so I was doing work that was really, really close to my heart for about a decade. But what went with that was this constant state of, oh my God.

I think I’m dying. I’m in the wrong profession.

and I moved jobs around a lot because I. It’s gotta be the job. It can’t be me. It can’t be this like mismatch. And I was like, other people seem to be able to do this and it could be you guys.

I was like, I think there’s something wrong with me. And during this time my husband had been a traveling musician, but he also studied to be an elementary school teacher,

and, when I saw him really get down, into teaching, I was like, dude, he’s doing fundamentally what I want to do. And which was with the whole reason I wanted into politics was I wanted to make the world a better place. And what I found out, I’m not a macro person. I’m a micro person. I have the skills to lobby.

Gives me a tummy.

Right, so that, so that’s what so making the world a better place was fundamentally why I went into politics and yes, I was talking to people and yes, we were making laws and yes, we were changing things and yes, and yes, and yes, but I It was a long process of compromise and it turns out I’m more of a quick process before and after

and I don’t actually want to compromise on things that I fundamentally believe in. So I pivoted to become a teacher and what I did as a teacher. And so that, that loses people. They’re like, how do you go from working in politics, where you’re wearing a suit and you’re testifying in front of committees and you’re helping write bills and you’re doing all this stuff to then walking people to and from the classroom and teaching them how to read and write.

[00:06:09] Susanne: Yeah,

[00:06:10] Tami: say, working with grownups and working with kids is very similar. But when I was working with kids, I could say things. If somebody was being, say, wildly annoying as kids are, I worked with third and fourth graders. And when somebody’s poking someone, I could say to that person, Hey kiddo.

zero people like that. No one likes that. so now, you know, now you can make better decisions.

And they’re like, okay, did it work every time? No, but I was an activist teacher in that I really tried to instill this notion that what they do every day in their own lives and in their school community, in their classroom mattered. So if they had a problem, I wasn’t the arbiter, I was not the judge and jury. Like we would come together and be like, so let’s say something happened at recess.

And then we’re coming back in for learning time. Let’s be real. I don’t wanna hear that shit anyway, cuz it did not happen on my watch, but you are more than welcome to go in the back and write it down on the agenda. And then on Friday we’re gonna get together and we’re gonna look at all the agenda items and I’m gonna read the agenda items and ask you, is this still relevant?

So you get to have your TA Fest in a notebook. We get to really call down what are the real problems. And the purpose of this was not to get in anyone in trouble. It was to help them get along with each other better.

[00:07:40] Missy: I really like to apply that, to like my grown up life that I sh if I wrote it down, I should give it a few days and then see, does it still scare me? Or do I still need to do it? Or am I still worried about it or whatever it is, like, give it a beat.

[00:07:55] Tami: Exactly. Well, and then you can apply the five rule, which is, does this matter in five seconds, five minutes. Five hours, five days, five weeks, five years. And you don’t give all your attention to the five minute problems you call in all your resources for the five year problems sometimes for the five month problems, depending on what it is, but then, but it gives everybody that, that time and space to be like, okay, is this still a problem?

Or was I mad and trying to get that kid in trouble again? Because he’s annoying. It’s like, look, he may be annoying, but he has to live with himself 24 hours a day. You only sit by him for six. So is it still a problem for you or can we help him be less annoying? Cuz we all have to get along here for 180 days.

[00:08:48] Susanne: Yep.

[00:08:48] Tami: Um, and then you may think, well, why did you change your career if you loved being a teacher? Two reasons. It turns out grownups kind of ruin everything you guys. So that was reason number one. But the real reason is I became a mom.

[00:09:04] Susanne: oh, that’ll do it.

[00:09:06] Tami: And then I became a mom and my kid is fancy. She came already pre-bid she’s we became parents through international adoption. So we didn’t get a little bitty baby. We got a bigger baby. but a bigger baby that had like bigger needs, like, hi, it’s nice to meet you. We can actually shake your hand cuz you’re on the outside.

Who are you? So he spent a couple years really leaning into the bonding process. I was on break with a full intention of going back to teaching and then I ended up not going back to teaching cuz I started a business instead. And that business was, teaching yoga when, and I would just like to just tell everyone who’s teaching yoga, nobody cares where your feet go in a posture.

What they really want to know is how do I feel better in my life. Like every one of my private clients, cuz I was like public classes. I’m a huge introvert. I can’t deal with this like general public. So I had these private small sessions and people never came to me, were like, tell me where my ankle goes.

Tell me where should put my hand. They were like, How can I have the time and energy at the end of my work day, even with work that I love, how do I have time and energy for my life after work? And I was like, that is an excellent question. We should figure out together because that’s one of the things I had to do as a teacher.

Right. I had to figure out how do I at the end of the school day, not like crawl on all fours to the car mm-hmm and sort of melt into the car. So I took what I did for a few years. Right? Cuz teachers, especially female teachers are asked to be these really selfless Martys of give it all. Don’t leave anything for anyone else, but that’s not sustainable. Not at all. Right. And so fundamentally what people come to me for then, and now is, but how do I have the time and the energy and the bandwidth to create this meaningful life that I wanna live?

[00:11:02] Missy: I think when we set this up, we joked back and forth on email. Let’s just talk about how not to feel like shit, which I think is the summary of what you do is you help people not feel that way. But I really wanna spend a few minutes talking about, and you’ve touched on it a little bit already, but why do we feel that way?

Why have we gotten to this place where we can’t even figure out where to start to make ourselves feel better?

[00:11:26] Tami: Okay. So I’ve thought a lot about this, because this, that thing it’s like asking fish about water. They’re like, what the fuck are you talking about? Duh it’s right here. You livid it, Suzanne, you’re gonna wanna stop drinking for a second.

[00:11:41] Susanne: uh,

oh, am I gonna do a spit take?

[00:11:43] Tami: Maybe, because this is what I was like, Ooh, what should I say?

And I was like, just fuck it. Just say it’s a patriarchy guys. It’s the patriarchy, our systems of how our world is set up is not set up for people to even survive, let alone thrive. And I don’t know if you know this, but as women, we’re not at the top of the pecking order in how our system is set up.

[00:12:08] Missy: Nope.

[00:12:08] Tami: So the long and short of it is, it’s a systematic problem and we need to do personal things so that we have the bandwidth so that we can change systems.

[00:12:21] Susanne: Mm.

[00:12:21] Tami: It is that weird chicken egg thing where you’re like, I don’t have the bandwidth to do the thing that I need to do, but I can’t do the thing without the bandwidth. Right. and part of patriarchy honestly is it’s patriarchy and biology. We as humans have a fundamental need for each other. As our friend, Brene brown hybridy says we’re wired for connection, right?

We’re hardwired for connection. Right? You don’t want to be the part of the pack. That’s such a jerk that gets left out to be food on the Savannah, right? Mm-hmm you wanna be in the inside of the pack, so you have to be likable enough to be part of a group. So fun. I think fundamentally we’re like, I need to be like a bowl to everyone for safety, which is the same reason why we have so much trouble.

as white women saying, fuck white supremacy benefits me.

[00:13:23] Susanne: Mm-hmm

[00:13:24] Tami: I mean, I don’t see it because I see all the ways it, I see all of the obstacles in my way, but as white women, we’re still a protected class.

It’s like, damn, this went downhill thought she was gonna be funny and was gonna get some like real easy breezy things.

I have those too. Right. But the, but the thing is, is like, you’re not crazy if you think shit, this is really hard. It absolutely is. Uh, my parents got divorced when I was in, it was in the seventies.

So I was in like late elementary school and. I saw my mom not be able to write a check her own name on it. I saw my mom not be able to, uh, have a credit card in her own name. . . And so at a very young age, I was like, this is not fair. I have a really deep justice bone. Like this is not fair. We need to change this. So I, I grew up with a, a, quietly, super feminist mom. So what do you mean by quietly feminist? Like, we would be up at night, the, the credit department at Mervin’s and my mom would be like explaining to me what the problem was. She’s like, we’re in the middle of divorce. The assets are locked right now.

I’m like your name’s not even on the cart. She’s like, that’s another thing she I’m like, what is this Mrs. My dad’s name. And she’s like, that’s how women are refer. I was like, you’re not even your own person.

[00:14:52] Susanne: Yeah,

[00:14:53] Tami: Right. So these, this is my lifetime. This isn’t like some like back in the olden days, this is my lifetime.

And then I had a shitty boyfriend, uh, for a really long time,

[00:15:06] Missy: Everybody has to have one of those at least.

[00:15:09] Tami: Oh my God. My, my at one point I tried to bring him up in therapy and my therapist was like, can we just call this a Rite of passage and save you a bunch of money? And I was like, for real, she was like, and then she spent 10 minutes telling me about her shitty boyfriend.

I was like we’re.

But I learned with that guy was like, it didn’t matter how likable I tried to make myself, there was always gonna be something he was nitpicky about. And I was like, fuck this. I’m gonna turn myself up to 11. And if you don’t like me, do you know who really does like me? Me and my girlfriends.

[00:15:44] Susanne: Yes. Oh, well, it’s interesting you say that, cuz you’re talking about him being all nitpicky, but I think so many of us don’t even need the shitty boyfriend to be nit picking. We’ll do it to ourselves with this mean

[00:15:57] Missy: to say we have that covered.

[00:15:58] Susanne: and negative self talk. And I love that you named yours blanch. I think that’s adorable.

Missy is kind of named gritty for so far. I don’t know if it’s gonna stick with that and I need to name mine, but how do you address, external people aside when yours is the voice that is saying that you haven’t gotten to the place yet where you’re saying, you know, who likes me is me?

how, how do you address that with your clients?

[00:16:22] Tami: Okay. So here’s some more chicken, egg ready. I, how I, how I get people to do it, do it is take care of themselves as if they love themselves. Right? This is like, you kind of treat yourself as if you’re a separate entity,

[00:16:37] Missy: oh,

[00:16:38] Susanne: Hmm.

[00:16:39] Tami: Much like you would not let a toddler. Get too hungry or too tired or too.

Why? Because they’re delicate, like a bomb, not like a flower, right? So are we when push comes to shove where tall toddlers that can drive and when our fundamental needs are met, we can kind of roll the world.

[00:17:03] Missy: yeah.

[00:17:03] Tami: So what do we do? How do we get started? We start really small and we don’t have to be like, so if we’re over here, blanch is a shit talker.

She is, you guys’ writing a book right now, all guns are blazing up in this

[00:17:16] Missy: Hmm.

[00:17:17] Tami: Right?

[00:17:17] Susanne: I bet.

[00:17:18] Tami: Right. So what

[00:17:19] Missy: Gritty has a lot to say when I, my computer writing. Yeah.

[00:17:22] Tami: right. So what we do is we’re like, I see you gritty. I see you. Hey, you wanna hang out with Blach do you guys need to hug? Can we hug it out? We’re gonna hug it out. Okay. Um, and mostly what we do is we experiment what would happen.

And you can’t quit the experiment mid experiment. What would happen if for the next 30 days you fill in the blank? One thing that you’re like, I don’t have time for that. Let’s start with sleep because everyone’s like, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’m like, you’re gonna die sooner if you don’t sleep. So what, what happened if, instead of taking your mom alone time while you’re shoveling Pringles and like canned frosting and wind down your

[00:18:07] Susanne: I’m feeling attacked.

[00:18:09] Tami: Yeah. If, instead of

[00:18:10] Missy: Nutella and Jesus

[00:18:12] Susanne: I love Della and Jesus.

[00:18:14] Tami: right? Like whatever, pick your yumminess.

[00:18:19] Missy: Mm.

[00:18:20] Tami: What if, instead of waiting up for that, every kid to go to sleep, your spouse to be in bed. What if you just went to. What if you went to bed before everybody else, cuz you’re like, you know what? I’ve been tired for 15 years. I’m just gonna go to bed for 30 days.

What if you got enough sleep or more towards your ideal sleep and see what else in your life changes. Be a scientist. Take your notes because I, I mean, I could tell you you’re gonna have more energy. You’re gonna have more willpower. You’re gonna be able to exercise. You’re gonna be able to pack your lunch.

You’re not gonna scream at your kids, your, all of these things. I can tell you that from my experience and the experiences of my clients, but it’s much like meditation. Do you guys know how many books I read about meditation before I started meditating? The answer is 14. 14 fucking books. You know what? I did not feel better until I sat down, shut up for three minutes, a lot of days in a row.

And I was like, God, so this is experiential learning, right? You, there is not a lack of information that people have.

[00:19:32] Missy: talk about that all the time. We have, we have access to everything we need to know.

[00:19:37] Tami: and more,

like, like an ocean full of information in addition to what we need. Right. So what if rather than try to do everything, we do one thing that we are like, this is insultingly stupid. This will never work. This will not change anything. And we just shut. Put our scientist hat on for 30 days and take notes.

Y’all I just wanna tell you two things. One, I have been keeping track of my sleep quality and quantity for 11 years day,

[00:20:15] Susanne: What?

[00:20:17] Tami: because

[00:20:18] Missy: Both of our faces. Like

[00:20:22] Tami: Because I wanted to know, especially when I had a little kid, why I was such a absolute bitch grenade sometimes and not others. And the correlation between the, any alcohol in this body which messes with my sleep, which therefore is a lack of sleep.

I was like, oh, so the difference between me being a human being that can deal with a toddler and not is sleep. I was like, are you kidding me? It is the foundation. Of my actual sanity and it’s embarrassing. I’m like, that’s it? Sorry. Like, I, I got nothing.

I

[00:21:04] Missy: don’t think that’s embarrassing at all.

[00:21:06] Tami: nothing fucks with my sleep. Like I start thinking about sleep as I’m getting up outta bed in the morning. I’m like, because I’ve been a lifelong insomniac, like I have to full on date myself all day and do all the things. So I know that I can be tired enough in my body. Tired enough in my brain have enough space up there. I’m like, oh my God, in order to sleep, I have to exercise in order to exercise, I have to do PT in order to, but I’m a scientist of myself in that. I’m like you got the data that shows you are in fact a bitch grenade when you don’t

[00:21:44] Susanne: So now as the, uh, as a data nerd, I, I love this aspect of it. Like that’s, that’s getting my attention. I think that I could work that angle to make it more exciting. When you are tracking your sleep, are you literally just like went to bed now, I got up at this time and then I woke up three times during the night.

Like how, how are you measuring that?

[00:22:04] Tami: Um, I, I wore a Fitbit for years and then here’s something else to know about me. I got tired of it, bossing me around. And so I threw it away. cuz I was like, fuck, I got enough data. I’m an asshole on sleep. Okay. I need to move my body. Got it. Um, so what I do is I write down when I, when I think I fell asleep, when I woke up, if I woke up in the night and it was notable and then I talk about things. why I woke up bad dream. It was too hot. It was too cold. Here’s one for the people that the future is coming for you. It was heartburn because I ate potato chips that day after a certain time. Right? Like more scientific data. I’m like, well, every time I eat chips, I get the like, Ugh, in the middle of the night.

God.

[00:22:46] Missy: it’s so fun. Aging. I love it.

[00:22:49] Tami: I mean, here’s the thing. We get to be more refined scientists as we age. Right.

Because can, can I eat chips? You betcha. Who’s the only one that’s gonna pay for it. If I do this one, unless I don’t sleep and then I’m gonna make sure everybody pays because

[00:23:09] Missy: gonna pay.

[00:23:10] Tami: gonna pay because I didn’t sleep because the grenade’s gonna go off.

so it’s systems aren’t set up for us. So there’s not gonna be a magical time or age or space where your job or your spouse or your kids or anything is gonna come to me and be like, I think you need to take better care of yourself . So, take these experiments and, and I, I will offer this to everyone listening. What’s the one thing that you’re like, fuck that I don’t wanna do that. It could be given up your wine. It could be going to bed early. It could be moving your body.

The thing that you resist the most, most likely is the thing that could make the biggest difference.

So

[00:23:49] Missy: going to bed early. I know that. And I’ve actually, it’s funny that you talk about it cuz this week. have just been consistent about getting in bed now. I haven’t had a great night’s sleep every night, but I just don’t think my body’s trained for that yet, but I’m just being consistent and I’m setting the alarm for a consistent time and just getting my tired butt

[00:24:07] Tami: Okay, but Missy, are you setting an alarm to remind you to go to bed also?

[00:24:12] Missy: Yeah.

Like I am being very consistent. Oh, you do?

[00:24:16] Tami: I have three go to bed alarms. I don’t need alarm to wake up. I’m 52. Like I wake up the chicken so they can wake up everybody else. But like I, cuz you’re you start out the day with tons of, uh, willpower and good intentions.

[00:24:30] Missy: oh

[00:24:31] Tami: And then depending on the age and temperament of your family goes down real low, real fast for taps sometimes by the time you get them to school. So by bedtime I’m like where’s the bourbon and American spirits

[00:24:45] Missy: mm-hmm.

[00:24:46] Tami: Like

[00:24:47] Missy: That’s what I

wanna do at night too, is have a cocktail and watch a show

and zone out. And I, this week, it’s just funny that we’re talking about it now. Like I have stopped that it is hard. It’s not a

[00:24:59] Tami: let let me get, but let me guess your kids went back to school. Didn’t they?

[00:25:04] Missy: Yep.

[00:25:05] Tami: Cause that damn structure you’re like those teachers gonna be real mean to me with that tardy slip on the third day, I gotta make sure I get those kids there on time

[00:25:13] Missy: Yeah, we get up really early around

here.

[00:25:15] Tami: Right.

[00:25:16] Susanne: yeah,

[00:25:16] Tami: So Suzanne, are you also saying that you have a hard time going to bed?

[00:25:22] Susanne: I. I do not have a hard time going to bed in the sense that I can just like lay down and I am asleep but I do have a hard time, like that’s considered my leisure time cuz our kids hang out. the youngest usually heads up about eight 30 and so like around nine o’clock is when we’re able to like hang out and watch a show together.

And you know that if, if I wanna go to bed on time, that means one show and I’m like, oh one show that’s lame. Like how are we gonna binge everything that Netflix and Hulu and paramount plus and HBM has in just one hour. Um, so that, that is a problem. I don’t know, but we are trying to get better.

My husband’s trying to get better, cuz he’s got a lot going on at work too. And so, you know, sleep is definitely, I think, Missy, you mentioned this because we came to this realization, especially living in Texas, that we’ve got a lot of battles to fight here and we really need to be fully fueled in order to have the energy, to fight all the fights that need to be done here.

So that is a big thing. So yeah, when we’re talking about self-care, that’s obviously one of the big things, sleep, sleep, hygiene, sleep, sleep. but again, self-care is not like just putting, you know, lotions on and getting a massage it’s it really is just the basic things that keep you alive during the day.

Like getting water, getting sleep, what are some of the other things for self care? Probably exercise also like if we did three things, is that gonna knock out like 90% of the self care that would actually make us better nicer human beings?

[00:26:56] Tami: Okay. You know what? I’ll even take it. Yeah. I’ll give you three things that you maybe haven’t heard before. Stop talking shit about yourself.

You’re welcome. Everyone’s like, God, that’s so hard. Stop talking shit about other people.

[00:27:09] Susanne: I do that. I do that.

[00:27:12] Tami: And sleep.

[00:27:14] Susanne: Okay.

[00:27:15] Tami: why so, so true self care is all this stuff you don’t wanna do because it’s hard.

You don’t wanna tell your neighbors that their kid can’t come over cuz you don’t want them to think you’re a bitch, but you’re like your kid Royals, a kid up. And then it kind of ruins everything in my

house. Right. So you don’t wanna be telling your mom, like I hate when you blah, blah, blah, because you’re like, then I won’t be able to talk shit about you with my friend.

Um, if you have that hard conversation, do you know what I mean? So self care is it’s the unsexy shit that, that, fuels your life. It’s all the stuff your grandma told you to do. Eat vegetables, take a walk, wash your face, get a good night’s sleep. But if you, if you could just stop talking shit about yourself and not let your friends talk shit about themselves in your presence.

And here’s how you stop that you ready, Suzanne is gonna say something negative about herself. You guys are gonna laugh because it’ll be funny. And then Missy’s gonna say, Hey, Suzanne, stop talking about my friend like that, and you’re gonna go, oh, quitting. You’re gonna both gonna be like, oh, that’s right.

That’s right. You’re not garbage at blah, blah, blah. Right. And so how do you, how do you go from being a shit talker to not is again, I call it the third player. You look at yourself and you’re like, wow, you’re having a really hard time. So one of the ways that I worked with my little itty bitty kid, who’s now in sixth grade, pre-teens are parenting.

Like you just went into a whole other

[00:28:52] Missy: Oh, yeah,

[00:28:53] Tami: But when, when my kid was little. And a kid would be like completely laid out in target, like losing their ever loving mind.

And the mom would be either paralyzed. Like, I don’t know what to do, or she would be like trying to control this mayhem and we would stop. And I would, narrate to my child. I was like that kid’s having a really tough time right now. And I was like, and that mama’s really worried about her kid.

And she’s worried that everybody’s thinking that she’s a bad mom. My kid’s like I do that. I’m like, I know that’s how I know how that mom feels. Right. And then I would look at the mom. I’m like, it’s okay. We’re not judging you. They’re having a hard time. But what, like what an in your life would change, if somebody, when you were having an actual hard time, which is why you’re expressing all your things.

If somebody said, wow, you’re having a really hard time. Not in, like, I need to change you or you are weak or you’re, something’s wrong with you, but it’s like, damn, we’re in this moment together, it is hard. You might be like, I’m really hungry. tired. Or I’m really hot. You could all be like, same girl. Same.

Right.

[00:30:10] Missy: And I think we’re so solutions based that we tend to, instead of just saying, I acknowledge your hard time. We’re like, you seem like you’re having a hard time and here are 10 things I think that you should do right now. And I think that we do that

to ourselves too. like, I’m having a hard time, so I need to fix everything instead of like, you’re saying focus on one thing and you talk a little bit about on your podcast. Actually talk a lot about it, about that perfectionism. You’re having a hard time. There’s 10 things that can fix it. Go do the 10 things. How do you help people break out of that perfectionism cycle?

We’ve talked about it just last week on the podcast. I think like we struggle.

[00:30:50] Tami: Um, so one of the things that I’m constantly modeling for people is like, you’ve never met a bigger perfectionist than me. Like I used to wear this badge. So proudly you guys. And then I learned what nobody wants to learn, which is, is a defense against anybody being able to I’m at engram one, anybody being able to say that you are bad.

Or that you’re not enough or that you’re garbage. And I was like, oh my God. And then I tried to change it and rationalize saying, but I just have high standards. No, you’re just still an asshole. You need to chill. Right. And here’s the thing you and you guys have kids. I know you haven’t been a teacher, but what do kids do better than anything ever in the history of the world is they show you your shit in the most unattractive way ever.

There’s nothing like hearing a four year old go, well, actually, and you’re like, who says, well, act, oh shit. That’s me.

Right?

[00:31:52] Missy: I have actually said, don’t you? Well, actually me. Oh, well actually me

[00:31:57] Tami: Right. So for a long time, I was like I said, apparently, so every kid in my class said, apparently,

[00:32:03] Susanne: Oh, my God. That’s so funny. Oh my kid. Yeah. I couldn’t be a teacher. I would ruin those kids.

[00:32:08] Tami: So that’s the thing. So how do we get out of perfectionist cycle? Is I have a, I write a morning mantra and on the days where I’m really struggling, I tell myself all day, let it not be perfect. And it has to be very active.

It has to be really bossy. It’s not allow it not to. It’s like, let it not be perfect. Let it not be per I just boss myself around because rationally, I know that perfect doesn’t exist.

Right.

But I rationally I’m like, but if anyone’s gonna find it, it’s gonna be me. And then I have to be like, imperfect action done is better than perfect.

Hell done is better than not done because so many people aren’t finishing anything because they’re stuck in the perfectionism wheel. That’s how I’m able to write. I’m like, it doesn’t matter where I put out. Everyone’s gonna be impressed that I finished a. I’m gonna think it’s absolute shit. Everyone’s gonna be like, this is so good.

I’ll be like, whatever fool you. Haha. But I finished, I finished you’re welcome. There’s the inside of my head.

[00:33:10] Susanne: well, yeah, speaking of that procrastination, I, I love your deferred maintenance. the, the topic of it and the workshop that you

[00:33:19] Missy: I’m on the

list for the

[00:33:21] Susanne: Yeah. Cuz I, I think our maintenance has been very, very deferred.

[00:33:26] Tami: Okay. So the whole, so my, I have a group coaching program. It lasts a year. It was six weeks. I thought I could just Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, teach people what they need to know and send them on the way. And then people kept signing up for it. And it was like, are we still dancing? What are we doing here? Don’t you know, and they’re like, what we need is a community of people to be like, I’m struggling in this because this thing in my life changed.

So how it, how now it works as a year long program is in January. We set goals. That we actually want to do. That’s another thing I wanna tell everyone, stop setting goals around shit. You don’t wanna do that is why it’s so hard to get it done. Let’s start with things you want to do. like, not that you have to do it.

Like

once you start doing stuff you wanna do, right. But once you start doing stuff you wanna do, you can like convince yourself that maybe someday you can get your will and trust finished. Right.

[00:34:22] Susanne: I did it. It’s.

[00:34:24] Tami: I know mine’s down here. It needs to be renewed, but I’m like, but maybe I wanna swim 156 times this year.

I know it was very specific. It says I had this other goal, which was swim 30 minutes without stopping, but I was like, you can’t just be thrown up a end goal up there as a goal. You gotta make that shit a process or you’re gonna on new year’s day. You’re gonna be like, I didn’t make it. Well, you didn’t make a plan either.

So he said all of January, like figuring out what we want and we dream big and we’re like, well, that kind of scared me. And then the next month we talk about. Stop talking shit about yourself and others and all of those mindset practices that can get you into the flow. Then we focus on your physical body eating, like you love yourself sleeping.

Like you love yourself, scheduling yourself. Like you love yourself, which is not hurry, hurry, hurry. as a year progresses, Then we talk about mental health, including, uh, working with a professional mental health counselor on ACEs.

If you guys don’t know

[00:35:22] Missy: I love to talk about

[00:35:23] Tami: ads.

. So we, we normalize seeking out professional mental health, especially for things that we think I’ve got those childhood traumas all tied up in a box in my head. They’re there forever, but it turns out as we know, the more we learn about ACEs, adverse childhood experiences, that that shit could potentially shorten your life.

[00:35:44] Missy: Absolutely. We talk about it a lot in foster care. That’s a big thing. And every, everybody has something it’s very rare to meet someone with that. Doesn’t even have one ACE. Like we, we all have something.

[00:35:58] Tami: We all have, what’s crazy. I have a seven, like I like almost have a full deck and people, I think there’s this misconception. Like I must have my shit together because I had this easy life. I’m like, No friends, actually, what happened is I had a really rough beginning and was like, fuck this I would like a different ending.

And so while my ACEs is high, my personal resilience is also high. And resilience is built on those things that we’re talking about in deferred maintenance is like taking care of your body, taking care of your mind, taking care of your relationship with others and yourself. And we sort of culminate in this, like, so now that we are resourced as a personal level, and now we’re resourced as a family, and now we’re resourced as a neighborhood.

How can we be part of something bigger than ourselves to make the world a better place for everyone who’s in it. And it’s not from this like judgey, I’m gonna go in there and tinker around and make it better. It’s like, no, I’m gonna be holding your hand going. I know. That it’s counterintuitive that you being well, rested is gonna change the world might not change it today, but it will change the life of yourself, your child, your family, your school community, and it goes outward from there.

And I’m there to do the work that you aren’t able to do because you’re resting. Like we’re building this community care system, one person at a time

That’s ultimately what my work is about is like, I want people to build their dream life, but really to create the world they wanna live in.

And I wanna world that is equitable for everyone. Who’s in it. We are very far from that. And some days I get really discouraged, like, oh, I’m not gonna see this in my lifetime. I, it could, you could be fall to be helpless and helpless, but there’s so many people that we could look back in history and say, They did not see the end of their work after they’ve died.

They were part of the, the mechanism that made changes possible. And I can be part of that change too, but you can’t be part of the change if your needs are like popcorning out of your body. right. Like we have to resource our ourselves resource, our families, our communities, so that we can be of service to the rest of the world. That’s really where this whole idea of self care is very political. It’s not an accident that we’re all tired,

[00:38:39] Susanne: mm-hmm

Yeah. So now, I love the idea of all these kind of the stepping stones of this deferred maintenance program. So you started it in January if there’s people listening to this and they’re like, yes, I wanna be part of that. Like, is it something that you start up fresh every January or can people hop in in September?

How does that work?

[00:39:00] Tami: Well, right now we are a year long live program. signups are happening all of December. We start in January, we go through the whole year and then for 2023, I’m also gonna make it an on demand where people can join any time. But that

probably won’t be till summer, but that will be like monthly calls.

Instead of weekly calls. It will be like, join with a friend. You guys do it together kind of situation. a lot of people also are like, I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start. I’m like, I will tell you where to start and you might not have thought of this thing over here. Is gonna be the thing that helps you do the thing over here.

Like I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I’ve added to the program and taken things out because I’m like, oh, these are the, the puzzle pieces that are fitting together to lead us to the point where people are like, God, this is really hard. I gotta keep going. Like, I work with a lot of teachers, you guys, a lot of teachers.

And every one of my teachers is like, I could not do this job. If I wasn’t doing this program. I was like, I know, say

[00:40:12] Susanne: Yeah.

[00:40:13] Tami: Right. Lot of helpers in my, in my world.

[00:40:16] Susanne: Oh, well, we’re grateful that you are helping the helpers because I mean, that is a big thing, especially both miss and I are involved in advocacy work. And we do know that it’s hard because the people that we are fighting for are, are definitely in a position we’re in a position of privilege as far as safety and the comforts of our lives that, uh, they do not have.

So it feels like this selfish luxury to be like, I’m gonna back off for a while, cuz this is too much when they’re like, that’s really nice that you can back off, but this is our life. So it’s, it does feel selfish even though you know that you can do 10 times better work. If you do just like take that mental health break, take that rest break and then come back with a, with a full gas tank to be able to do better work.

[00:41:07] Tami: Right. Absolutely. And somebody recently asked one of my clients to, um, take on this. Political stuff. In addition to her teaching load. And she was about to say yes, and the Oscar said, I want you to take the weekend. I want you to inventory what you already are doing, and I want you to prioritize.

And I want you to really think about this because I don’t want, what’s the rest of you. I actually want the best of you. So if you’re not giving your best, you’re actually doing disservice. So it’s, it’s actually better to do less, better,

[00:41:45] Missy: Right.

[00:41:46] Tami: right? Less, better,

[00:41:48] Missy: a kind Oscar, I think in that story

like that doesn’t typically happen. It’s usually like, I need you to do this. You’ve gotta say yes, please say yes. And then when you say no, someone’s like, I can’t believe you’re saying no, I really need you to do this. What a kind human to.

Say, please

[00:42:04] Tami: you, do you have the capacity? Do you have the capacity? That’s a great question to ask anybody at any time, like, do you have the capacity to do this? Like, we are on our final day of a nine day, record breaking every single day heat wave. And I did almost nothing because I was like, I don’t have the capacity to do anything except not murder my family. So I’m just gonna put an ice pack on my head and drive my child to school and melt the ice pack and get a different way. Cause I was like, my capacity is all used up with not freaking out about my, my climate anxiety.

[00:42:43] Susanne: Oh yeah. That’s for

[00:42:44] Tami: right.

[00:42:45] Missy: we relate.

[00:42:46] Tami: Yes.

[00:42:48] Susanne: well, welcome to our climate zone. We’re sorry. We’ve so shoved it over to California. Oh my goodness. As you were listing out this stuff about deferred maintenance and like, eat God, how did you put it

eat like you’re someone you loved eat. Like, you love yourself, do this. Like you love, I mean, just fill in the blank. Like you love yourself. What a nice way to just kind of think about everything as I’ve been, I’ve been trying to eat healthier, cuz I’ve got skyrocketing, cholesterol levels and stuff and everything’s so complicated when you’re trying to look at like, is it because it’s not a calories thing?

It’s like what you’re actually eating and what I’ve come down to with the stuff that I eat is like, would I feed it to my dog? Like that is literally my diet. If like, would I let the dog eat this right now? And that is like, that’s, that’s a pretty solid diet plan. because, cause it’s not a measure of like, it’s not saying you can’t consume certain quantities.

It’s just like the stuff that you are eating. Is it the kind of stuff that you would let a dog eat? And half of it is not like my cinnamon SW pancake. I would not have fed that to my dog, my cheese ITTS with the Nutella on it. I would not feed that to the dog. No, but oh, but to me, that’s like, to me, that is almost a, self-care for some reason, I, grew up thinking that like, you treated yourself food wise, like, like that’s how you celebrate.

Yeah. That’s how you celebrate. That’s how you treat yourself. That’s what

you so

[00:44:20] Missy: how you mourn, like everything. Everything is tied to food in our culture.

[00:44:25] Susanne: Yes. Oh God. This could be a whole nother

[00:44:27] Tami: Also, but not like let’s pick up like roast a pan of vegetables and make a nice warm grain salad.

[00:44:35] Missy: no,

[00:44:36] Tami: I

[00:44:37] Missy: no, let’s Indulge.

[00:44:38] Tami: Indulge. And there’s a place for that.

[00:44:41] Missy: Sure.

[00:44:42] Tami: There’s a place, there’s a place for indulgence. Like the other day, somebody posted a meme. One of my friends called me out and she said self-care is frozen margaritas or frozen tequila drinks.

And she was like, sorry, TA Barth. And I reposted. And I said, sometimes selfcare is margaritas.

[00:45:01] Missy: Mm-hmm

Yeah. It just can’t be margaritas every day.

[00:45:05] Tami: Right. And maybe not margaritas for breakfast.

[00:45:12] Susanne: We’re setting the bar today.

[00:45:14] Tami: Like, no, like cut wine out of breakfast. Great. You guys, we’re we’re we’re on the way. And ultimately, this is what I want it to be. I’m super allergic to dairy and it is not that fucking around. Like, I wanna be a wellness. Guru thing. Like it gives me bronchitis and acne. It’s terrible. And I didn’t find out till I was 40.

And I, up until then I was eating fist pulls of cheese and drinking milk by the gallon. So needless to say, I was kind of an internal wreck , so it took me about a year of truly mourning that experience, which is like, I have to rethink everything in my diet.

And then one night I was sitting with a friend at dinner . And I’m sitting there and we’ve decided we’re having pizza and some sort of dairy filled dessert and I’m eating it.

And apparently I’m like scratching my neck and this and that. And she is sitting across the table for me. She’s like really starting to think that dairy allergies is a real thing. And I was like, why are we gonna go to the hospital? Or do you just need a Benadryl? Because your face is kind melting off right now.

And I’m like, okay. I thought it was just internal. She’s like, no, it’s external now. And I thought, okay, the only one I’m hurting when I do this is me.

[00:46:33] Susanne: Yeah.

[00:46:34] Tami: Oh my God. I was like, what does it say about myself? When my choices. Like the bourbon and cigarettes, that’s really only hurting me the cheeseburger. And I’m not saying you can’t have bourbon and cigarettes.

I’m saying that particular combination is bad for this body.

[00:46:54] Missy: Right.

[00:46:55] Tami: I mean, the surgeon general would probably also agree with me on that

one

[00:46:59] Missy: yeah.

[00:47:01] Susanne: Oh my gosh. Well, okay. So we talk about deferred maintenance. So people who can sign up for that starting in December, where is the best place for people to find you aside from that

[00:47:13] Tami: Instagram.

I’m Hackbarth Instagram.

[00:47:17] Susanne: Great.

[00:47:17] Missy: you’re a good grammar. Like you communicate and stay on top of it. Unlike some people

[00:47:24] Susanne: oh no, no negative cell

[00:47:27] Missy: that’s right. That’s right.

[00:47:29] Tami: That’s right. You’re like,

[00:47:30] Susanne: Like you love yourself or

whatever.

[00:47:33] Tami: exactly stay focused.

[00:47:34] Susanne: Oh my gosh. Oh, okay. So we’ve we have taken much, much more of your time. Do we have time to do look, listen and learns?

Are we good? We can do an, a,

we can do

[00:47:43] Tami: I not,

[00:47:46] Susanne: Yeah. I know I am shocked because I have had like hour to hour all week, like it was like booked solid and today is like, woo. Although I am, I’m sorry to say, I’m still in my pajama top here, but I’ve been taking advantage of the fact that today is the one day I didn’t have to run like five kids did three different doctor’s appointments across all the town.

I just add five kids, two kids. I’ve got two kids.

[00:48:12] Tami: sometimes they feel like five.

[00:48:14] Susanne: Yeah, he would, I’ll take your kids to the dentist, whatever you need. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay. Let’s take a minute to do our look, listen and learns then. So if anybody, this is your first visit to the mom and dot.dot podcast. The look, listen and learns are a time when we talk about what we’re watching, reading, listening to learn about that you might enjoy and be able to incorporate it into your weekend.

If you’re all sitting there in front of the television going, what should we watch? Sometimes we have good TV ideas, book ideas, or things to do ideas. So, uh, we don’t wanna throw Tammy, under the bus here first. So Missy, why don’t you start?

[00:48:48] Missy: Okay. I am reading this. I’m holding it up. Oh, no, I just have the dust check it because the book is by my bed, but it is state of terror by Hillary Clinton and Louise penny. And I’ve had it for a while. It finally made it to the top of the stack and I love Louise penny. I’ve read every word she’s ever written.

[00:49:08] Susanne: I do not know who Louise penny is.

[00:49:09] Missy: She writes the inspector Gama novels, and they’re set in Quebec and it’s a, he’s a detective or an inspector

[00:49:18] Susanne: Oh, wait. No.

[00:49:20] Missy: I think I’ve

talked

[00:49:20] Susanne: You’ve had look and learns about, okay. That’s why

[00:49:23] Missy: Yeah. And they’re all set. Most of them are set in this place called three Pines where I would like to live and except for a lot of people die there.

So I don’t

know

[00:49:30] Susanne: don’t go there. Don’t go there.

[00:49:32] Tami: The real estate. Really good. All those.

[00:49:35] Missy: There’s almost always a house on the market because somebody has died and, um, but so Louise, penny writes those and she’s fantastic. And she ended up like meeting. She met bill and Hillary. I don’t remember the whole story, so I won’t try to tell it, but they’re buddies, like she’s just friends with the Clintons now.

And they met through her books somehow. Like I think they were reading her books and liked them. So anyway, they’ve written a book together and it’s been out a while now, but I just got to the top of my stack and it’s, Like a political thriller.

So it’s a lot of fun it’s fiction. Yeah. It’s

[00:50:09] Susanne: Well, state at terror just sounds like life, so,

[00:50:12] Missy: Well, no, the main character is a, um, is the secretary of state. So I mean, you can see like little things pulled in and it’s fascinating cuz as I’m reading, I’m like, I wonder like what, what if this is pulled from real

life and what it is fiction.

Um, and so it’s not , it’s like it’s fiction and it’s not keep you up at night fiction as in like terror.

Like it’s not horrifying because I know it’s fiction, but it’s not light because the world is going to hell in the hand basket. And so it’s not, it’s not like fun bee reading, but it is an excellent book so far.

Um, I’m really enjoying it. So that is my, when I’m reading and then I’m listening to a book called scars and stripes.

Do y’all know who the SLAR brothers are.

[00:50:59] Susanne: No.

[00:51:00] Missy: they’re. Brothers who are comedians. And, um, I’ve actually gotten to see them live at, a comedy festival before. And, they’re very funny the way they play off of each other, but in their tour, I think it was like 2017.

They went on tour and during this tour, they decided to really get to know each city or town where they stopped and try to just figure out what made that place special and what made it tick. And then they’d write jokes. So when they did their show that night, like they would have a joke that you would really only love if you were from that place.

And so this is an audio book of them talking about these places and how they got to know ’em and their jokes.

And like, so it’s like a comedy tour, but a book at the same time.

[00:51:44] Tami: but that’s so good because that’s like, that makes everyone in that town be like, these guys are the best. You have to see it. They really get it. Instead of being like, you know, Rock band that says, thank you, Cincinnati. And they’re actually in

[00:52:00] Missy: They’re somewhere else. Yeah,

[00:52:01] Tami: Yeah. So like, oh, that is excellent marketing. Well done.

And I think I know you’re talking about, and I think I always laugh and I’m like, oh, who are those guys? So now I have to go look up your thing.

[00:52:13] Missy: Yeah. They’ve been around like, I mean, they’ve been around a long time. but they’re very funny together, which is their whole shtick that they bounce off of each other. But, um, by when I was talking about a town where my son might consider going and looking at a school and, uh, I was telling my brother and he was like, oh, they talked about this in scars and stripes.

You have to listen.

[00:52:35] Susanne: That’s a great way to choose colleges. that’ll make the college tour more fun and be like, oh, because yeah, they’re

[00:52:43] Missy: Remember what the SLAR brother said about this place? Yeah.

[00:52:45] Susanne: Oh, I love that. Okay.

I’m gonna check that out.

[00:52:48] Missy: So that’s it for me. I’m gonna keep it at two, since we have been going forever, but Tammy, what about you? What do you look listening, learning.

[00:52:54] Tami: Okay. So I’m looking yesterday. I watched turn it around the history of east bay punk scene. So if you’ve ever heard of the Gilman street project, I watched it because my stepbrother is in two of the bands that they featured. And,

he died a couple years after it came out. And so I was like, I’m not ready to watch it.

So yesterday I was like, let’s watch it. And I just saw so many people that I know, and it’s like right where I grew up with all the music and the musicians. and I, I felt some things

and it was really, it was lovely. and so if, if, even if you don’t have any interest in any punk rock. it’s more than music.

And that’s the thing about Gilman is that it basically was like a little government. Like it was this super co-op, like no drugs, no alcohol, no violence, no sexism, no racism, no transphobia, all of this. And it was like started basically by teenagers and so green day did their first shows there.

And they’re the ones that were executive producing this documentary.

[00:54:00] Missy: Super cool. We’ll just

[00:54:01] Tami: So it was really great. Um, I’m also reading, uh, set boundaries, find peace, a guide to reclaiming your life by Nedra Schwab. Y’all this book will change your life. It came out in 2019, and this is the third time I’m reading it. It

is absolutely brilliant.

And there’s a workbook. I’m listening to Atlas of the heart by Brene

brown, because I have to mention Brene brown in every podcast I’m on cuz she’s secretly my best friend.

Call me Brene.

[00:54:33] Missy: yet. She will

[00:54:34] Tami: I totally, she does not know it yet, but I’m like, I’m closing in on you, not in a weird stalker way, but just, um, and also have you guys read the light makers manifesto,

how to work for change without losing your joy

[00:54:48] Susanne: oh, that’s by um, oh duh.

You

know her? Yeah. Karen.

[00:54:54] Missy: Oh,

[00:54:54] Tami: guys it’s

[00:54:55] Susanne: I was like, no wonder, oh, I want Karen to come talk to us about that so much. Cuz it’s all about taking care of yourself when you’re doing activism And knowing when you need to take that break so that you have the energy to do it and yeah, that

book covers it so beautifully and in such a gentle, loving way that to be forgiving of yourself, if you don’t have all that energy all the time.

[00:55:20] Tami: well, and also for you to play into your strengths, like Karen talks about how she grew up, believing that she had to stand in front Of a tank in Tiananmen square to be considered an activist. And it’s like, no there’s room for everyone to do their activism because here’s the thing.

Your activism may be talking to other moms on the soccer sidelines about a whackadoodle that is running for school board, who happens to be your next door neighbor. And you’re like, you don’t want this bitch on our school board. She’s crazy. And you’re just like, I just needed to tell someone that could be your activism, right?

Or you could be out registering high school students to vote, or you could be giving a, like a tour, the state capital and telling second graders, how bills become a law. It doesn’t have to look one way in order to change how the people around you are affected. Democracy is a participation sport, and it works the best when we all participate.

So Karen, I think Karen did a great job with that. And then I’m learning you guys. So I mentioned earlier, I’m an anagram one. I have a whole engram series. I know you guys just covered your engram high nines. I love you.

[00:56:38] Missy: I’m a nine wing one.

[00:56:39] Tami: Uh, I, and I was like, girl, I am a one wing two. So in, in distress, I go real emo four And when I’m not tense, which is almost never, I am I’m fun. And Bobby, right? I’m, I’m a seven. Um, but there’s this other, I just started this class with Denise stuffy Thomas. She is my money coach. She’s a money mindset coach

and I, you guys have money issues. I’m just letting you know. Uh, and I’m taking this new course called sacred money archetypes.

And so there’s a quiz and you can take the quiz and you can find out about your money personality. And you can feel deeply seen by this framework. And so now basically everyone in my circle, I’m like, I’m an accumulator Alchemist, ruler. What are you?

[00:57:34] Susanne: That sounds like a Dungeons and dragons

character.

[00:57:37] Tami: it’s

amazing. It’s

[00:57:38] Missy: a inside a die at some

[00:57:40] Tami: yeah, but you know what?

And then you read the descriptions and you’re like, oh my God, has somebody been following me around? It’s kind of like when you find your true Agram number and you kind of get sweaty under your armpits,

or as my family said, when I explained my oneness to them, my husband said, oh my God, so that’s never gonna change. And my daughter said, who’s following you around when you’re in a bad mood.

[00:58:09] Susanne: Oh my God.

I haven’t thought about reading my engram description to the family. They’d be like, oh yeah.

[00:58:19] Tami: the parts where you sort of fall apart. Right? Because they, they like the, the, the positive, we’re all like, we’re all sort of Gandhi, but it’s in the disintegration where you’re like, am I going drunk, Johnny Depp? Or like, who? Like, who, where am I

[00:58:36] Susanne: oh my gosh.

Okay. I love, yeah, I love a good self-analysis quiz. I’m gonna

[00:58:41] Tami: Yeah, me too. All right. So sacred money archetypes with Denise DT. and you’d better come and tell me what you are

[00:58:49] Susanne: Okay. You know what I’m gonna also my friend Cindy Whiteside, who was, on the podcast, she was one of our tipsy ellipses for doing some coaching as well. But she originally was gonna start out as a financial coach, cuz she’s very into helping people look at their goals and you know, the reality of their finances and all that kind of stuff.

And so I think she’d be into that too. So sharing that with Cindy and shout out Cindy we’ll we’ll link to that show too in the show

notes.

[00:59:17] Missy: Yeah.

[00:59:18] Susanne: All right. Okay. I will do the world’s fastest look, listen, learn for this. Uh, let’s see, what have I, I have been looking at, oh, I’m gonna save y’all six bucks from subscribing to discovery plus for a month to watch unprecedented, which sells itself as this exclusive look into the lives and actions of Donald Trump.

And first family is supposed to be all behind the scene. So I thought it was literally gonna be like secret footage of like them watching the results come in and all this kind of stuff. It’s like nothing. If you watch any basic, like CNN or MSNBC, you’ve seen it all

[00:59:54] Missy: okay. I’ve heard of this show, but I’m glad to know.

It’s not

[00:59:57] Tami: Well, and I’m like read Mary Trump’s book. She’s like, I have a tea kettle that is like overflowing spilling.

[01:00:04] Missy: let me spill it

[01:00:05] Tami: feel bad for him after reading that.

[01:00:07] Susanne: No, but I thought this was gonna be like full documentary style. Like behind the scenes, like watching the looks on their faces, start to draw, you know, all this kind of stuff. It’s nothing, they have maybe like a couple interviews with some of the family, but I mean, you don’t believe a word they’re saying, and it’s all high stylized.

They’re all like made up just sitting there at a table. Like, so, no it’s I think I had too high of expectations, but even if my expectations were not high, it would not. Achieve. Yeah. So it got a 40% on rotten tomatoes and that is what I’m gonna

say about

that. Yeah. So, and then listening, I’ve been listening to the head space meditations and sleep casts, which I always accidentally call sleep scapes, which I think is a better name, but, um, don’t you, maybe that was taken?

I don’t know. Um, but so I bought that for my son, uh, a few months back when he was having trouble sleeping and now he’s asleep pro and doesn’t use it anymore. But Demetri who we just had on, on a couple shows ago, was talking about a lot about breath work and stuff. So I’m trying to get more intentional or just knowledgeable about my breathing. If I’m

[01:01:17] Missy: because apparently

[01:01:18] Susanne: much. I know you would think, I don’t know. I, I watch the dogs sometimes. I’m like, I feel like dogs know how to breathe. So I just kind of mimic Daisy while she’s taking a nap.

[01:01:31] Tami: Everything.

[01:01:31] Susanne: yes. So I’ll

[01:01:33] Tami: time. It’s sleeping time. It’s it’s laying down time. Let’s play.

[01:01:38] Missy: Great. Right. I’ve got the zoomies. Let’s do it.

[01:01:41] Susanne: That’s it. So don’t, I’m gonna do the whole, I’m gonna live my life, basically. Just Cesar Melan. I’m gonna be like, I’m not gonna eat anything. I wouldn’t feed my dog. And then whenever they sleep, I’m gonna sleep, sleep when the dog sleeps. that’s my

[01:01:53] Missy: I would sleep a lot. I have a geriatric dog. I would sleep

all the

[01:01:58] Susanne: oh, I pour it. I wore it.

[01:02:00] Tami: I feel like our skin would look really, really good though. We would be hell well, rested and well hydrated. I like

[01:02:07] Susanne: I don’t know, both my dogs are like nuts. So physical wrecks though. So maybe, maybe I shouldn’t follow their wellness tips. I don’t know. There poor bear. I was just giving him a little scratch today and he’s got like this pink bloody mess under his arm. I don’t even know what he did. I

[01:02:27] Missy: can eat lick, like, is it a place he can

[01:02:28] Tami: the.

[01:02:29] Susanne: Yeah. I’m sure he, he does like the licky thing. So like, I don’t let him lick a certain part. So now he is like licking another part. So I automatically, the cone went on and he’s like, oh fuck. So,

[01:02:40] Missy: He’s like damnit. She

[01:02:41] Susanne: yeah. So maybe that’s another thing I can work into my life whenever I’m doing something wrong.

I’ll put a cone

[01:02:47] Tami: The

[01:02:49] Missy: We call it the cone of shame. Like if you don’t stop that, you’re gonna have to wear the cone of

[01:02:53] Susanne: exactly. Uh,

[01:02:56] Tami: Nutella and, and the

[01:02:59] Susanne: oh my God. Yeah, I know.

[01:03:00] Tami: cone’s you’ll.

[01:03:03] Susanne: Maybe that’s it. When I, so I can’t eat things I’m not supposed to, I’ll put

[01:03:07] Missy: Or it would just be a cone filled to hear with all the snacks you tried to get in.

[01:03:11] Susanne: I need a cone this longer than my arm, so I can’t reach it

[01:03:15] Missy: oh my

God. That’s

[01:03:18] Susanne: Uh, you know what I would get so good. I would be like, throw it and then I’d catch it.

[01:03:22] Missy: for sure that cone would be like,

[01:03:24] Susanne: Yeah. Well, like bear does so good. He can get his cone perfectly over his bowl so that it’s like a vacuum

[01:03:31] Missy: babe, baby.

[01:03:32] Susanne: Yes. Oh, he’s such a mess. He’s so used to having it on, though that I put it on. He’s like, yeah, whatever. It’s Friday,

[01:03:38] Missy: Guess I’m not lick my armpit now.

[01:03:41] Susanne: no, he’s such a mess. I gave him like a hundred Benadryl. I was like, I hope this helps dude, but okay.

Oh my learn. My learn is a shout out Mary Catherine. Baxtrum who I just love her new book. Crazy joy is officially a best seller. It’s number nine on the wall street journals ranking this week. Um, and so we had MK on actually, it was just me. That was my

[01:04:04] Missy: just, yeah, it was

[01:04:05] Susanne: you. Yeah, it was right before I headed to her book release for her last book that when she was in Dallas.

Um, so for August, 2021, we had a tipsy ellipses that we’ll link to, which is just as scrappy as any of our shows have ever gotten, because she was like lost on the way to her hotel. And when you get the two of us together, we’re just goofy anyway. And so it’s appropriate that that book was called holy hot mess. and so just saying congratulations to MK because yeah, she, she deserves all the good things and this is a really good thing. So yay. so yes, I think, oh my gosh, this we’re going to do some serious editing to get in this show down to under an hour, but I, it was, Ugh. I could just talk to you all day, so yes.

And

[01:04:50] Missy: may have to have you back to dive deeper into some of these things.

[01:04:53] Susanne: Yes. Yeah. We’ll call you.

[01:04:56] Tami: Thanks for having me. I could talk to you all day.

[01:04:59] Susanne: Oh, like,

okay. We’ll see you soon. Bye-bye